Snowflakes of life and christianity

I was sitting outside this afternoon reading.  I love doing it if I can stay warm enough.  I wrap myself up in a blanket and put on multiple layers and read a book.  I sometimes take my pipe out with me that my friend Nate gave me for a gift, and sometimes not.  I would take my grandpa's pipe out with me if I had it sometimes but I don't have it; I just know my mom said he used to have one.
Today while I was reading it started to snow.  It was really kind of pretty out actually with a sun and some snow and I sitting out there with a blanket over my legs and my heavy jacket on.
I had some snowflakes land on me and just stay there, it wasn't warm enough to have them melt right away and I was struck by them and how different they are.
If you asked me before this, I already knew that all snowflakes are different.  You learn that way back in middle school science or something and you also learn it in church or from your parents or somewhere else; they talk about how they are all different and special and so are we.
One of the things that my ex wanted from me was a mission statement, or a statement of faith, or something along that lines and I always felt super guilty and judged because I couldn't really give one the way she wanted.  It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was that I couldn't.  Mainly because I feel like somewhere along the way I didn't learn it, or perhaps I didn't have one because I wasn't a good enough christian, or a strong enough one, or perhaps because I wasn't smart enough for one.  It doesn't help that my life hasn't been this lightbulb moment of christian faith and coming to Jesus like I hear so many other people talk about.  For me it has been more like a winding path with a series of hills and valleys and I have not only gone up and down and around, but I have sometimes tripped and fallen right off the path and wandered helplessly until coming upon the road again.  (I think that I have always known this and that is part of the reason of my tattoo on my arm)
Tonight though I was really hit with a message in those tiny frozen drops of water gathering on my jacket.
It is ok that I don't have a statement of faith or anything right now and it is ok that it might take a while for me to build one.  Our faith and our christianity is a snowflake in life.
My path of my spirituality is unique and unlike anyone else's and theirs is the same.  Just like that snowflake my path and my faith and my road is unique and will never be like another person's.  It was a huge relief to know that it was ok that my life wasn't like my ex's, or my dad's, or my friend's, or anyone else's.  It is more important that I know that it is going to be different but that doesn't make it any less beautiful than a different "snowflake" of faith.
It is ok that I didn't have that "eureka" moment in my faith and that I have been traveling a long and twisty road because I know that God is looking out for me and when I stumble off the path that He is going to help me find it again eventually.
It is ok that I have had my spirit renewed again and again and that I am human and fallible and that things haven't always been great for me.  I am new because God helps make me new when I ask for it and even if that person is flawed and can sin, God doesn't care because He loves me, forgives me, and offers me grace when I need it most.
It was a big day for me because I felt close to God in a way that I haven't for a while now, not since Sara called it quits and my dad took a turn for the worse and I felt like God wasn't right there with me and telling me that the things that I hoped were all going to work themselves out.  It was a big day.
It is a new day and I am going to keep working on my snowflake of my path of faith and I don't have to worry about it being "acceptable" in the eyes of others.

Time to Ramble

I am out of grad school, I have a job, I have an income.  I don't have money because I am just out of grad school but I am not living making debt constantly (only semi-constantly).  Now I find myself in a pattern and that pattern consists of not a lot of outside stuff as I try and save money and pay bills.  But that is ok in a way.  But I do think about teaching and conducting and the last couple years and wondering if it was all worth it.  I can't say whether it was or not yet.  I know I made some friends and connections, I got a healthy dose of college and I know why I am too old for it now and I can't go back anymore.  But I don't know much else sometimes.  I feel like I am better at score study and preparing scores but I don't necessarily feel like a better teacher all the time.  I know I am more aware of my hands and how I am conducting but I sometimes fall into bad habits still.  But most of all I still don't know whether I am supposed to be a teacher for the rest of my life.   I still wonder what else I might be doing that isn't keeping me up late or waking me up in the middle of the night thinking about way too many things.  But that is ok.  I think that we all go through that sometimes.  I think that only if you care a lot about the people you work with or making a difference in the world is when you find yourself up too late or too early thinking about work.  And in a way that is ok with me.  Perhaps if there were more people that were concerned about the influence they are having on other people the world might be a little better place.  I do worry about the attitudes of some people but I really should worry about my own.  I really don't need to become the ego-maniac that the stereotypical trumpet player is supposed to be.  I should keep judging myself and not others.  I might try and post here a little more often but that is fine with me.  Perhaps getting this all out will lead me down some path of enlightenment.  Maybe not but either way I type and it leaves the brain (at least for a little bit)

Family and Friends

For the last year and a half I have been eating, breathing, and sleeping grad school.  I have kind of ignored many other aspects of my life as I work on my master's degree.  But this was a very important weekend for me that reminded me of something very important.
This weekend I didn't focus on school work, I didn't skip out on things to do homework.  I spent time concentrating on some very important friends and family.
I spent Friday with my dad, helping him celebrate his birthday.  I spent Saturday with family and got to see my nephew in one of the most important games of his life as he helped lead his football team in the playoffs.  I hadn't seen him play before and in this his senior year and his last game (unfortunately they lost) I was able to witness it.  And Sunday evening I spent with close friends helping celebrate the lives of a father that has gone to a better place as we had a memorial service for Pat's dad, Ed.
I have spent so much time working on my degree that I have skipped so much but this weekend I was reminded that it isn't about the work I do as much as those I consider my close friends and family and how important it is that I spend time with them and experience life with them.  These are the people that have stood beside me in all my crazy times when I have been stressed or upset or broke and usually all of the above.  I think it is important that sometimes we set our work or studies or menial tasks aside and remember what is most important.  That is friends and family.  What I did this weekend is so much more important than all the homework I didn't do and I am willing to take the punishment for not having my stuff done tomorrow (because I know I won't get it all done).  But that is ok because I was able to remind myself that my life shouldn't revolve around homework and a degree and a job and money but around love and friendship.  I hope I can keep this in mind these last months when the stress will become unbearable at times as I work on my last classes.

Why music

Everybody loves different things.  I totally get that.  So this post might be just a little bit biased I understand.
But I was thinking about why I can't get away from music.  And why music is one of the most important things in the world (even though I sometimes think that America believes it is fame).

And I came up with one thing.

Music can and does inspire Everybody.

I realize that may seem like a simple statement at first so I should probably explain it.

I look at the things that people get excited about in the world (and there are a lot!) and I see that people rarely agree.  I am not saying that is a bad thing; after all, being an individual is a good thing and you should travel your own road and not someone else's or you will never be happy.
But when I look at all the things that people get excited about there aren't very many that everybody can get excited and inspired from.
I look at people that love sports and they get all inspired and excited about great sport moments.  I will admit that I am one of those.  But not everybody is.  There are people that have no interest at all in sports and a game winning score isn't a big deal to them.  They don't understand how and why people can get so excited about a game.  While I am one of the people that love those big game moments I can understand why there are people that don't love them.  Not everybody likes sports and they shouldn't have to because not liking sports is perfectly fine.
I know people that are super inspired by a sunrise or sunset or the calm of the lake or the waves of the ocean or the majesty of the mountains.  Yes, I am one of those people too.  I do love those sights; they take my breath away and leave me feeling very small but at the same time happy to be able to see things like that because it helps me know how big the world is and how small I am and then I remember that even though I am very insignificant God still loves me and He made all this beauty for me and others to enjoy.  But I know people that don't like nature and they don't like scenery and if you put them in front of a scene like that they can nod and smile and 20 seconds later they are bored and ready to go back to what they were doing.  I can understand that too because some people like cities and excitement and being out in nature like that isn't for them.  That is cool.
I know people that get inspired by books.  Yes, I know I am starting with all these things that I get inspired with and that does make it easier to write so yes I do get inspired by a good book too!.  But there are people that don't like to read and there are people that don't read and that is perfectly fine because you don't have to read to be a good person and to be inspired in life.
I know people that love a good movie and they are inspired when they watch a great film.  In a way that is also like the book side because a lot of movies were books and in a way a movie is almost always a story and in that way it holds true as well.  But some people have very little interest in movies or tv or anything like that.
I know people that get excited and inspired by cars and buildings and other things that we have manufactured and created.  Yet there are people that only see pieces of metal and stone and wood and they don't even worry about things until they don't work properly.
But of all the things I can think of the only thing that really can and does inspire everybody is music.  While there are many different genres of music and the same music may not inspire a bunch of people, music does inspire everybody.  Whether it be classical, jazz, rock, pop, metal, alternative, etc. people around the entire world get inspired by music all the time.  Even if they are watching a movie the soundtrack adds so much to the video that you would be surprised if you ever watched it without.  Concerts, radio, cds, online, music is everywhere and people love it.  It is so varied it can appeal to everybody and it is easy to see why.  It brings us to a higher place or a lower place and makes people want to do crazy things like get up and dance, shout for joy, clap, and stomp our feet.
So why music you ask?  There is my reason.  I love being a part of something so inspirational that it has caught 7 billion people.  :D

God explained by science

I know that when you want to talk about spirituality, religion, God, or faith that there are always those who don't believe.  They don't believe for a variety of reasons but one of the biggest arguments I have come across is the one about proof of God's existence.  For many years I didn't have a way to talk about this argument other than to say that faith is a matter of the heart and not the mind; and I still do believe that.
Faith is something that is easy to have when things are going your way and harder to have when things are going against you.  But true faith isn't faith unless things are going against you.  At least that is kind of the idea I have always had.  It would be like believing that the Twins could win the world series when they are up 3-0 in the postseason compared to still believing they are going to win when they are 0-3.  (If you don't watch baseball that would be they are one win away from the championship vs. one lost away from losing the whole thing)
I have always approached the idea of God from the perspective that I believe and I have faith that He exists and I am not going to worry about the science of it.  But this morning I read something else and it really helped me add onto this belief.
Don Miller writes that "God does not live within the philosophical science He made".  Yeah, that makes sense I told myself when I read it and I was prepared to move on.
But then I really stopped and thought about it.

Would we really want God to live within a scientific method we have developed?

If so, why would we want that?

Is it perhaps that we are so self-centered and ego driven that we still want to see ourselves as the center of the universe?  Is it the simple idea that we like to be in control of ourselves and our destiny and the thought that there is something so great out there the controls things that we are afraid to consider how insignificant we feel compared to the entire scheme of things?
I think that must be part of it.
I, like many other people, like to have that sense of control within my own life.  But so many times (and especially lately) I have had to remind myself again and again that God is in control of my life and He will do the right thing.  I just need to have faith and trust that things will be fine in the end.  (There is that faith concept again!)
But it is hard I think to accept that we are not in control of our own lives in so many ways.  There are so many outside factors just in day to day life that we cannot control that can affect us in so many ways.  Simple things like driving to work and the other drivers on the road and what they are doing or how they are driving can make a huge difference in our lives.  And that is just the most basic of concepts.
So we are not in control at all in many ways.  Yes our own decisions and actions but how many times have your own decisions and actions been the only contributing factor to a situation?  I can't think of a single one in my own life because the whole "no man is an island" quote is so true. (If you don't know that one look it up, it is a pretty good one)
The other part (and I know I have done those questions backwards) is the part about God living within our own science and scientific method.
This one is a simple thought to me.  I love the thought that if God in His omnipotence and greatness is going to watch out for us that He would be all powerful and mighty and that He would not have to live within the realms and boundaries that He has set for us.  If He did then what would make Him so great?  Would He be able to do anything that we wouldn't be able to do ourselves?  If God was restricted by gravity, by physics, by the ideas of matter and mass and density, what kind of God would that truly be?  Sounds like a man or woman to me albeit a really smart and cool one.  Is that who you really want running everything?
The greatness of God is the greatness of God if you follow me.  It is the fact that God is greater than all that we see.  A God that is greater and outside of science and the restrictions that come with it.
I never worried about whether God existed and those people that always talked to me about the proof of God's existence.  I have always believed that you can't explain God with a set of rules we have developed within our culture (because science is just stuff that we have all agreed on as ideas and theories that we have proven within the limitations of our senses but don't even get me started on that because that is a whole new post) but that instead God is beyond our understanding.  This just emphasizes it and expands my thoughts on it.
Yup.

Person to Person

Short post, not sure where I am going with this one.

I have noticed lately that when I hang out with groups that cell phones seem to dominate the table.  This isn't a rant against cell phones or the people that use them but I sometimes wonder if they are too prominent in my own world.  I guess I feel that I don't need to look at my cell phone every 2 minutes for any reason when I have people in front of me that I can look at the whole time and share a conversation with.
Tonight I found myself looking at my phone and so I put it away and just paid attention to the people instead.  It was nice to be able to look at them and listen to them in a way that I used to do more and don't find myself doing enough of now.
Don't get me wrong, this isn't saying that if you are a cell phone person that I think you should stop or that what you are doing is wrong.  This is a personal me decision and not an "everybody should do this decision".  So please don't get all upset if you feel like I am pointing fingers because I am not.
I just think that I am going to try to do my best right now that when I go out with someone that the phone is simply an emergency contact and not an activity or form of entertainment.  If I hang out with people I should want to spend time with them and not my phone.
Hopefully it will stay silent and in my pocket.  I lived a long time without one; why has it so suddenly become such a big part of my life?
That is all I got tonight.

More than enough

I, like many others, often complain about not having enough.  Money, stuff, chances to see friends, free time, etc.
The problem is me.
I make 30,000 a year as a teacher.  That should be more than enough.  That is so much more than other people make.  There are people starving in the streets and yet somehow I don't have enough.
This really struck me tonight.
God gives us more than enough if we are willing to stop and really consider how we live I think.
I eat way too much and often get extra special food or waste food or do so many other things that aren't right.
I buy stuff.  And that is really the best way to describe it.  It is just stuff.
I have 2 drawers full of t-shirts.  I can't wear all of them.  Why do I have all of them?  If I do laundry once a week I can't get through all those shirts.  And 4 suits.  And dress pants and khaki pants and jeans and and and and.....
I have a Nintendo and a Sega and a 64 and a PS3.  And worse I have games upon games for them.  Why do I need all this stuff?  And movies and cds and books, and games, and and and....
No wonder I don't have enough money right now.
The problem is me.
I really think that if I stop and look at how I spend money I would see how wasteful I am.  And really, all I need is God.  God will provide; He always does.
God will provide what I need.
But I don't need stuff.  I only need the basics of life.
Buying stuff is fun because we all want what is shiny and new; or worse we want what we see other people getting.
Have you ever bought something because other people are buying it and they seem to be having fun?  Have you ever noticed that the novelty of having it wears off rather quickly?
Sure having some stuff is nice.  I am not saying I need to live in complete poverty.  But perhaps if I looked closer at the stuff I have I would see that I have so much more than so many other people and I don't need all this stuff.
I have more than enough.  I don't need to live so lavishly.  Maybe there are quite a few out there like me; living for stuff and bigger and better stuff and more stuff and stuff we don't need.......
I have more than enough and God has provided.  But what I really need isn't stuff I can buy.  It is something that has already been given to me for free.
Grace.  Love.  Forgiveness.  Acceptance.  Family and Friends.
More Than Enough for me.

love/hate king books - make you think

I have a love/hate relationship with Stephen King books.  I find the writing to be wonderful with intriguing plots and subplots.  I get into the books because they are interesting and well written.  But at the same time I find that the writings about people is a bit dark and depressing.  Mr. King feels that there are so many vile parts of human nature that he has to write about on a regular basis and I don't always enjoy that.  It isn't necessarily the main plot of the story either but little themes within the books talking about people's messed up thoughts and actions.
I just read "The Stand" again.  It is a great book on a post-apocalyptic world.  It really talks about good and evil and people coming together at the polar opposites to do one last battle.  But something struck me about the story.
I like to think of myself as a good person, as most people do.  I try my best to do right.  But I stop and think about the fact that most people are like that.  But in the book there are many people that find themselves on the "evil" side.  So what is the difference between me and them?
I realize that choice is a big part of it but at the same time these people in the book didn't seem to understand that they were on the wrong side.  They didn't see it like that.  They found the side they believed in and lived it.
I wonder if we would truly end up on the "right" side if something like that happened in real life.  Would I be on the side of righteousness and goodness or would I find myself in a state of mind where I feel like I am right but I am actually not?  Most importantly - I think of myself as a good person but am I really?  How can I put myself above other people and look down on them for being evil when I cannot be sure that I wouldn't be one of them in special circumstances?
Are we really better than them so much in our minds that we can automatically assume that we would end up on the right side if we came into a good vs. evil battle?  How can we be sure?
I don't have answers.  
I thank God that He forgives me even when I screw up because I don't want to be on the wrong side but I can't assume I wouldn't be led astray (that would be very egotistical of me).
One last thought - My life is not my own because I have been paid for with a steep price!  I like that thought.

Charity Case

I read today that we often have way too much pride in ourselves.  Pride is not always a bad thing, but at the same time there are situations where having pride is horrible.  It seems like I always do stupid things and then I get down on myself for them.  This is nothing that other people don't do as well, I am not trying to make myself sound unique.  But the important thing is that I remember that I am a charity case for God.
Grace is free and freely given by God and I don't do anything to earn it.  We are always earning things in the world now-days.  You earn rewards or you even earn the bad things that happen to you because you act stupid.  I have earned many things on both side.
But while I have "earned" a trip to Hell after I die I don't have to worry about going there because God is my protector, my savior, and I am His charity case.  I didn't have to earn grace, it was freely given.  I didn't have to jump through hoops or say magic words or pay Him off for it; it is a gift.  I just have to swallow my pride enough to accept free grace and know that no matter how many dumb things I do I deserve to go to heaven because God wants me to.
I kind of like that thought.

stars

The other night I put out a blanket and looked at the stars (until the bugs drove me inside.  Even with bugspray they got to me).  I realized how much I miss just looking at the stars sometimes.  When I was a kid I used to put the glow in the dark plastic stars on my ceiling in my bedroom so when I went to bed I could look up at stars as I fell asleep.  I don't remember why I ever took them down; I think it had to do with either moving out or feeling like it was too childish.  Or perhaps something about too much light to sleep?  I really don't remember.  But now that I look back I really wish I had never taken them down because you know what?  That isn't childish; it is who I am.  I like to look at the stars.  It makes me realize how insignificant I am but at the same time I know that people care about little me in this huge universe.  That is a comfort.  I am nobody but to some people I can still be a somebody.  If we all looked at the stars a little more perhaps we would view ourselves and others a bit differently.  And perhaps when we realize that even though we are all insignificant in the large picture but very significant to someone else we would treat people like they deserve to be treated.  I miss my stars.

running for shelter in the rain

I found a new metaphor tonight while I was talking to my friend Megan.
You are walking along with your significant other and it starts to rain.  So you grab their hand and take off running for shelter or an umbrella.  That seems like the normal thing to do right?
What if instead of running for shelter you stopped instead and grabbed their hand and instead of running with them you kept them in the rain and instead you kissed them in the rain?
It feels to me like the proper thing to do is run for cover when the rain comes.  It is the way we have been trained.  I am not sure if it is the whole getting sick thing our parents talk to us about when we are kids or if it is the idea of walking around in wet clothes after that or what but we always run for cover when the rain starts.
I am not sure I always want to run anymore though.  What if I were to just stand where I was and look up and see what happens.  And if I am with the person I love I would kiss them in the rain and know that even though the rain is falling we are showing love to each other.
I am not sure if this is a life metaphor or even if this makes sense to anyone but me but it seems like the people that are successful are the ones that would typically run out of the rain or grab the umbrella.  They watch out for storms, come prepared, and always move for safety.  And as a result they are successful.
I guess I have been trained to do that as well but part of me wonders what it would be like to not run but to just  stay where I am and realize that even though there was a storm all around me I was satisfied because I was with the one I love and showing how much I loved them with that kiss.  And if they stay and kiss me back it would mean that they felt the same way.
Sometimes it doesn't matter if it is raining on you if you are kissing the one you love.  At least that is what I think.

The sound of New Ulm

Tonight I sat outside for half and hour and listened to New Ulm.
First a special thank you to my brother in law Bob and my parents because without them buying me warm stuff for Christmas I wouldn't have sat outside that long.  It was definitely cold and windy.
Tonight, for some reason, I decided I just wanted to sit and listen to the world go by for a bit.  I tossed on all my winter gear and sat out on my front step and just listened.  It was just something I decided I wanted to do.
First, there is a lot of noise out there.  I don't mean the earth, I mean city noise.  I heard trains and cars and I heard them a lot.
But then for just a few minutes I was able to sit back and really hear the wind and the snow.
It was really nice.
We would get big gusts and little gusts and you could hear the snow as it fell from the trees and onto the sidewalk and onto me.
I didn't hear anything special and I didn't come away with some earth shattering euphoric moment but at the same time it was really nice to just sit and let the world come to me for a bit.
I think that sometimes I am so busy or I make myself so busy that I don't sit and really just listen enough.
I always seem to do something to entertain myself but I don't always find it entertaining.  It is like I am out there trying to make life come to me or value in life come to me even when I do things like play video games or read books or watch tv.
But tonight it was different.  I don't know how to describe it in words; perhaps it that is because it can't be described in words.
It was nice to just sit back and listen for a while though and know that the world is going on around you and you don't have to be moving or making noise yourself.  You can sit and listen to the world make noise around you and both be a part of it and an observer of it at the same time.
I will have to do that more often.

Books

I used to read a lot of Stephen King when I was younger.  I always enjoyed reading books that were rather advanced; I like to think that I was a pretty good reader.  I started books like Stephen King way back in middle school and even though some parts I found tedious and boring I generally enjoyed them.
I look at the depth of Mr. King's books and I still enjoy the fact that he can write with such flourish and that he can keep so many plots going and bring them all together at the end of the books but recently I haven't enjoyed all the subject matter as much.
I find that in some ways Stephen King writes about the baser and more animal side of human interactions and their ways.  In some ways that is good because there are many people that truly act like that but perhaps it isn't what I want to read right now.  I find myself trying to be positive and find the good in all people on a regular basis and reading books that describe people in such a cynical or negative manner makes me feel sad.
I think that I will be packing up some of my books that are like that and not reading them anymore.  I am thankful that they got me through my younger years and I enjoyed reading them quite a bit but I want to look at the world in a positive way and what I read should be a reflection of my outlook on life.

Beauty

Just a quick post on something that was wonderful tonight.
I was driving home from the basketball game where I was working concessions for Sleepy Eye girls basketball.
The lights were glowing, the snow was falling gently and there was Christmas music on the radio playing softly.
I realize that this may feel a little cliche for being beautiful but there were a couple other things that made it just right and I wanted to mention those.
1.  The roads were clear.  I love parts of winter but one thing that drives me nuts is bad roads.  It probably doesn't help that I have a car that doesn't mix well with winter.  But tonight the roads were dry and clear.  I could cruise along at 60 and not worry about sliding off the road so I could appreciate the night without feeling in danger.
2.  The snow was flowing up.  I know it was just the wind but snow swirling and dancing to Christmas music is a great sight.  There is something about dancing snow that is extra great.
3.  I was able to thank God for the moment because even though I had a tiring day and I am fighting a cold it is like my cold disappeared for a moment and everything was perfect.  I loved it.
It was a nice moment in my lately extremely busy life and I enjoyed it and wanted to share it quick.
I hope everyone can experience a moment like that sometime in their life.

Swimming Upstream

All my life I have been a loner.  I have never felt like I truly fit in anywhere with any groups I am a part of or anything I do.  I realize this is partly my fault because how we perceive our lives is exactly how they turn out to be.  (If that is confusing basically if you see yourself as a loner then you are going to make yourself one because we make ourselves what we see ourselves as).
In being a loner I have also made myself a chameleon.  I work on blending in and I can get along with most groups I am a part of.  But it doesn't stop me from feeling like a loner.
All my life I have lived this fine line and done my best chameleon impression.  I have done the hair style thing or the clothes thing, or the interests thing, or the whatever thing that allows me to feel like I can fit in well enough with a group to hold my own and to feel less lonely on the nights that I want to feel the presence of my fellow human beings.  But still it is all just a charade as I wander through life.
Lately I have more and more felt like swimming upstream.  By this I mean I don't want to go with the flow as much as I used to even though I am generally a fairly laid back person when it comes to interests and activities.
I know what I like and I know what I want to do and if that means I walk my own path that is becoming more and more acceptable in my life.
I don't know if that is because I am just becoming more stubborn or if I have stopped caring as much about what society thinks about me........
I guess it doesn't matter either way in the long run.
Doing my usual reading and thinking these late nights I have found more and more that there is only one being that I care about their opinion.  That is God.
I try to make myself charming or funny or handsome or many other things in order to try and attract a wife (and yes I would really really like a wife and I would give up softball for the right woman and those of you who know me well enough know exactly what I just said) and I also want to be friends with everyone.  But what if I look at those people I want to be friends with or the people I want to attract and I find myself less than enamored with them as people?
That is kind of what has been happening lately.
I value friendships; I really do.  The friends I have I would do so much for and I hope they know that.  The ones that stand by me at all times I would give my very being to help them in their time of need.  I love them and I do my best to let them know that as much as I can.
But the ones I am trying to impress; why am I trying so hard when I am not even sure I want them to be attracted to me when I stop and look at them?
Why am I being a chameleon when I would rather just be myself and if they don't like me we will be almost no different than we are now which is we say hi cordially when we see each other on the street?
Rather than go with the flow and not be myself I think I would rather start to swim upstream a little here and just be myself.  If that means I have only a few friends but they are good ones I really am no worse off than I am now.
I am through trying to impress people if it means not being me.  I just want to be myself and be happy with myself and God will love me for that person because I know that person wants to be right with God.  As for the rest of the people out there; I am always willing to be friends but I don't need to impress any of you if I am acting in a way that is not me.

Something that makes me a little sad

I have really spent the last few weeks looking very carefully at people.  I know that with my state of mind I was being rather observant and I wasn't just looking inward.
I have noticed lately that I know a lot of people that really make me sad inside.
While I have had ups and downs in my life I generally find myself happy and satisfied.  I deeply trust my friends and when I know they are there for me I truly do let them in on my whole life if they want.  I know they won't let me down when I really need the help.
As I look around me lately I have noticed that there are quite a few people in my life (not necessarily good friends but just people around me) that are either very negative or very cynical (or both).

I know that I can be both of those things as well and I know that we are all like that when things are frustrating and it seems like the world is pushing against us.

Perhaps it is because God is so central in my life; perhaps it is that I have seen that most of the time things work out for me and I don't have to worry too much about them (yes I know concerts still freak me out so I have my own problems with this); perhaps I just don't like being negative and cynical.  But no matter what I find it sad that there are so many people out there that this seems to be the predominant thought processes every day.

While you see what you want to see and your past has made you what you are, I just can't feel the same way.  I don't have a get other people before they can get you attitude and I don't think that people are out to ruin my day.  I don't feel like I can be cynical about other people all the time and talk about how they are just doing awful in everything and I am doing wonderful and they are almost out to be lazy and stupid.  I think we are all trying and sometimes we don't get as much done because we aren't as talented or we are having a bad time but I like to think that each of us does our best to go home every day knowing we tried.  Maybe I am wrong or naive but I like to think that most people are out there doing that.

I am also saddened by people that are always negative.  Or usually negative.  They seem to have one subject that they can talk about that is positive and the rest of life just sucks all the time.  They can only take a small bit of happiness from the few meager things they have in life.
I just don't see it the same way I guess.
Perhaps I am just simple but I am mostly happy where I am.  I know I wouldn't mind having a bit more money or being a bit more handsome or having a wonderful woman to call a wife or at least a girlfriend but I have a job working with some very good kids, I am getting paid more than a lot of people out there (and those credit card bills are my fault so I really can't complain when I ate so much pizza in college :P), I have a roof over my head and while it isn't the Hilton it is warm and I have tv to watch and internet to surf the web and I even get out with friends once every couple months.  I have books to read and I have some video games to play and I have time to write in my blog here.  I have food that keeps me full and even though I don't always get to eat whatever I want it isn't like I am eating lousy food, I just don't get to eat steak or lobster on a regular basis.
There is so much to be thankful in my life I don't see how I can complain too much.  And I feel sad that some people think they have it so bad.
I don't know, maybe my tastes are just simple right now too.

I realize that in complaining about people that complain I am putting myself right into that same category and I see the irony in it.  haha

I guess I have it better than most people.  I could have had nothing.  I was born and could have been in an orphanage for years and grown to hate people.  Instead I was adopted by loving parents with great sisters and have made friends that I would lay down my life for and they would do a ton for me in return as well.
I am generally healthy, I get to watch some baseball and play some softball, I have got to go sailing and camping and fishing and I get to read good books.  I have a fun car and I get to eat most of what I want if I just save some money and make it special occasions.

I am glad I don't have to be negative or cynical all my life and I wish I knew what I could do to help show those people the way to happiness.  For now though, I will stand by and be happy I don't have to look at life through such dreary circumstances.  It makes me sad for them that their lives are so rotten.
But I feel lucky I have what I do.

First Smile in a While: The Weekend

There are some good things to look back at this weekend; I just want to write them down so I don't forget them either.

Most of you know that my grandma recently died.  While it is never easy for anyone to lose a close relative, for some reason this one hit me especially hard.  It could be many things about her and it could have been partly my state of mind but whatever it was, I hadn't been having a really good time as of late.  I am sure those people I was around noticed and my students definitely did.  I was facing some pretty hard depression there for a bit and I had lost all my happy thoughts.  The concert was a nightmare for me; not because the kids had done a bad job (far from it) but because I couldn't find any joy at the completion of the songs.

I had been struggling since the day I sat by her side as she drew that last breath and I couldn't find a light at the end of the tunnel.  Every day was cloudy and there was always rain.  And Friday started no different than any of the other days.  (I realize that there wasn't really clouds or rain but sometimes your frame of mind can make it that way).  I had an ok 1st period and a bad 3rd period (the kids were not well behaved).
6th period rolls around and the kids had been unfocused ever since Halloween.  I don't mind if they day after the concert they are unfocused because I push them hard right before and they deserve a small break.  But it lasted Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday as well and I had to give them a tongue lashing as a result.
The first spark hit that 6th period on Friday.  They were focused.  Boy were they ever focused.  I had my band back; the one that I love to conduct.  We got some work done and had some fun too and that is all I ever want every day for my band during rehearsals.  7th period as good as well, the kids were working so hard and doing their best and there were even some break throughs musically to be proud of.

Friday night is seminar at Jackpot Junction.  I am by myself from Sleepy Eye and I went in not really caring.  I figured I would sit by myself, learn some stuff, go up to my room and just chill.  But instead I get to sitting by some other people that seem pretty cool and we went out after the seminar was done and had a drink and got to know each other.  It was fun.

Saturday isn't sleeping in (more seminars) but that is ok too.  Then off to play practice where we get done a little early and I come home and take another shower.  Tangent: I don't like seminars at casinos because they still allow smoking and then you come home smelling like crazy and you have to take a shower to be presentable to people around you.  Fish Frye, my favorite local band is playing.

I got to the Grand early (where they were playing) and I sat with a glass of wine and just looked around.  There was something in the air that night for me.  The clouds had finally started to pull back and I could see some sun.  I wish I had brought a notebook to the Grand because I felt like writing my feelings while I waited for my friends to arrive.  It was really nice there.  I had a good server and some nice wine and I was going to get to hear some good music.
Fish Frye was amazing as always.  I love their shows.  When they do arrangements there is a good chance I prefer their arrangement to the real thing and since they always do a song for me (Pinball Wizard) because they know I love it I always feel special and I will always keep a special place for them in my heart.

Sunday (today) sleeping in for the first time in months.  Pit Orchestra where Lauren made me smile all afternoon (and evening even though we were done) and Nate and I got to talk music (one of my favorite things to do in the world right now is to talk to Nate.  He always has good things to say).
Then stars in the sky as I drove home and here I am.

Grandma, I still miss you and I still get tears in my eyes sometimes when I think of you.  But finally this weekend, with the help of some great people, I was able to smile (I mean really smile not the fake ones I had been putting on for the last couple weeks) and enjoy life a little bit again.

Thank you to all of you who helped make this weekend good for me again.  Scholls, Berans, Christmans, and Lauren.  (p.s. Lauren I read your pie blog this weekend and that helped too!)

No more technology, just a good book and a glass of beer.

I have been doing a lot of reading and meditating lately.  I love it.  Alone with my thoughts or even just a book that makes me think can do wonderful things for the brain.  There are times when I want the companionship of others but a glass of ice tea or a beer and a good book that makes me think while I am reading on the door step in the fall air can be quite nice.
Lately I have really thought about technology.  I know there are lots of things out there that I don't understand about technology and it can make much of our lives easier.  I just recently tried this bill-pay thing and it looks really slick.  No more giving out my account numbers or anything and that means more secure.  I like that.
In a world of twitter, facebook, and instant gratification though I have lately found myself shying away from technology.  I don't take as much pleasure from the fastest of speeds and instant updates.  I am not even playing video games as much.
Yes, I realize the irony of the fact that I am online blogging on my laptop computer as I write this!
I have friends that can't go a day without their phone.  They are always on it.  I have colleagues that check facebook during their lunch break because they love the site that much.  I have friends that use twitter religiously.  I am not saying that any of these people are bad people or wrong for what they are doing.  There is nothing wrong with any of that.
I am just saying that it might not be for me right now.
For all the "stuff" I have in my life I take pleasure from a good Donald Miller book and something to drink while I read it.  It is those times I am not worried about being socially acceptable, about having the right computer, the right car, the acceptable body type, about being good looking, or even being showered.  I just have a time to enjoy nature and my thoughts and God's messages to me.  I love it.
I know that people are going to say this is just a phase and they are probably right.  Isn't being human about wanting more?  It seems that we are hardwired that way so we will always want what we see that is shiny and new or fancy.
But for now I just seem to want the simplicity.  Maybe I should have been a hippie for a while....... lol
I can go through life right now enjoying beauty, love, and God's majesty and right now it is enough.
p.s. - Grandma Johns, I love you and hope you are enjoying heaven.  We will miss you but we know you are in a better place.
RIP Grandma 1920-2011.

Santa Jesus knows EVERYTHING!

Good morning blog.  It is 7:30 am on Labor Day and I have been up reading for half an hour.
2 thoughts and I tied them together for a title that I get a kick out of.  I am usually not good at titles; when I write my stories I never have titles to them or they are really bad.  I am not good at that type of thing.
Thought 1:
God knows everything.  I always knew this.  You learn it when you are just a kid in Sunday School.  It is one of those things that you go "wow" and then you move on with your life.  But I really stopped and thought about that this morning for a minute (or 4).  Everything.  That is a lot of stuff.  I know there are the verses about knowing every hair on your head and all that good stuff and that is wonderful but it has never really gotten me like it did today.  I guess if I wanted I could go and pull out all the hairs on my head and count them too and then I would know that.  Boring?  Yes.  Time consuming?  Yes.  Pointless?  Yes.  Would I really do it?  No.
But it isn't just that.  He always sees us.  No matter what we are doing.  Kind of like Santa Claus (that will be thought 2 and I am not really comparing God to Santa Claus so don't get all nuts right now).
When you are told about Santa as a kid you are told he is always watching and he knows if you have been naughty or nice.  You won't get anything in your stocking or presents if Santa sees you doing all the bad stuff. So be good!
The scary part is while this is a bit of a big deal about God it still doesn't sum up what I felt and learned this morning.  I always knew this stuff too.  God hears you when you swear or knows when you want to punch someone or have sex or when you do those things too.  Well, so do I because it is me and I am doing them no matter how ashamed I might feel later.
No.  God knows Everything.  EVERYTHING.
I know I am not dumb.  I have the capacity to learn a lot and I have.  There are many things I know and a lot of random trivia I can have fun coming up with.  (I love those trivia games at the bars and restaurants!)
But while I have the brain capacity to know a lot of stuff there are things that human-kind doesn't understand and probably never will.  Like how the brain works.  Or Why stem cells grow into what they need to be when they are basically like other cells that only can grow into one thing.  Or love and how it really works.  Or how the female mind works!  (just kidding although most guys would know what I am saying)
These are things that not only do we not understand; we may never understand them.  We as people have been studying this stuff for years and the top brains in the world just don't get a lot of it.  Yet God not only created it; He knows how it all works too.  Perhaps you see where I went with this; perhaps not.
I just know that as I sat there this morning and thought about God knowing Everything I was kind of blown away with the thought.  Everything is a lot of stuff and we can't just stop with what we know and what our neighbor knows.  God knows more than all of us put together and He knows stuff that we will probably never figure out.
Thought 2:
I referenced Santa Claus earlier and this thought really isn't mine but it really got to me anyways.  Santa Jesus.
When we think of God are we thinking of God or Santa Claus?  Who is Santa?  A big guy that is jolly and kind and watches us every day and knows what we are doing and if we have been good or bad that we can make a list of stuff we want and give it to him and then he brings us those things (but only if we are good!)
Wow, that is a cool dude when you are a kid.
Who is God?  Do you think of Him as the guy that watches over you every day, knows if you are naughty or nice, is kind, and when you pray you can ask Him for stuff and if you have been good He will give it to you?
Wait, this sounds vaguely familiar...........
While I don't think of God as this way it seems to me that sometimes I do.  Or we do.  Or maybe it is just me.
Sometimes when I am frustrated in life or with life I throw up that prayer saying "God, can you just give me a hand here?  I have no money and I want stuff!  Can you help me out?"  Notice, it never works haha.  I still don't have my credit cards all paid off and I am not eating lobster for dinner today.  I haven't been to Disney World or seen Yankee Stadium yet either.
I really thought this morning about how God wants a relationship with us; a personal one.  Yes He knows everything we do.  He is like that.  Yes, he wants us to be nice.  He is like that too.  But I want people to be nice to each other and I am not a deity.  So that doesn't fly in many ways.
God knows those things and it embarrasses Him and upsets Him I think when you do those things; just like when you are with a group of friends and one of the people does something stupid you are upset and embarrassed because you are associated with the group.  God has associated himself with the group called me  And He wants to be a part of my group; He desperately has gone to great lengths to be in my life.  He sent His son to die on the cross to be a part of my life.  So naturally He is upset when I do dumb things; just like other people with me would be too.
Instead of looking at God like Santa; I want to look at God like God.  Someone who is a part of my group and wants to stay with my group.  The best friend in my life.  And someone who knows everything.  and I mean Everything.
Thank you Santa Jesus, but we don't need you anymore; I would rather have Jesus the Son of God.

no money and Searching for God Knows What and Reality is like fine wine.

The last few days, few weeks lately I have been opining to various friends of mine how I really disklike not having money.  I sit there and complain about how I wish I had the money to go out and enjoy better food, or a chance to travel or go on vacation, or do the things in life my other friends do.
First, I know that part of this is my fault.  Well, most of it.  I was the one who ran up the credit card bills so I don't have a lot of credit right now.  I know some of it wasn't my fault per se in that I didn't know I was going to have hospital bills up the you know what or that my computer would die on me right before my last year of college when I was going to need it most and then had to purchase a new one on credit so all those nifty papers I had to write and all those lesson plans I had to print out could be done.  But some of those late night pizzas and trips to Blue Bricks or BWs with my friends didn't have to happen either.  Or I could have had water instead of beer or even pop.  But I did because I was young and foolish and that is that.  That being said I should have been an engineer like Josh or a lawyer like Ben and I would be making much more money than I am as a teacher but once again I chose my path.  This time I have no regrets because I do love teaching and I love music and I don't mind being a servant to others because I feel that helping people become wholesome people is more important than having a mustang and a latptop and a couple guitars.....wait, I guess I got those anyways :D.
So back to the original story.
I have bemoaning the fact that I have no money lately to some friends and I am sure they are getting sick of it. I have wondered why I couldn't just win the lottery (I don't really play it is just a dream) or have some random prize sent to me for being the 1 billionth person to walk into Shopko or something.  Actually, I don't need that much money that I am one of those rich people even (is what I tell my friends).  I just want enough that my credit cards are at 0 and I can take the hard earned money that I make every pay check and save some and find a place to live with a garage and have cable tv so I can watch the Twins instead of following them online.  Then I would save and I could do my vacations and I could go out to eat once a week to a restaurant that doesn't have greasy floors and the word "fast" attached to their food.
So I am reading Donald Miller again.  He really is my favorite author in many ways.  If you haven't read his books I highly recommend them.  The one I started is called "Searching for God Knows What".  I have read "Blue Like Jazz" dozens of times and I have given a couple of my own copies away (and yes I had to buy new ones for myself and yes they went on those credit cards again but I don't regret it).
Quote from Chapter 1 which I started last night when I was feeling a little hermit-like and tired.  "But the facts of reality stink," I told him. "Reality is like a fine wine," he said to me.  "It will not appeal to children."
Once again God is so wonderful because He took something that was on my mind and showed me something that made me think. And He even gave me the brains to allow me to think!
I was so struck by those words I read them right before I turned out the light last night and when I woke up this morning I read them again right away.
I started thinking of how I could take my reality and start treating it like fine wine rather than a lousy beer I was just drinking to be a good guest.  How I could savor it.  How could I treat it like it was something special?
I started to think of all those people that have whatever they want because they have money.  I started to even think of those stereotypical snob kids from movies when you see them and how bratty they are.  And I realized that reality is like a fine wine.  And it won't appeal to children.  Donald Miller was right.  As kids we want the dream, the happily ever after.  We want everything handed to us on a platter.  We want the opportunity to but it all.  And our parents even teach us that is ok to want that. (not a knock on parents, I know they want the best for their kids as I would want the best for mine too.)
I sit this morning and think of my reality and how it is special that not everyone can experience it in the same way I do.  How it is special when I get to have steak or lobster or other seafood and how I savor it and it is special in my mind.  (people who can have it whenever they want just see it as food).  The fact that I still catch myself staring at my car and mentally pinching myself that it isn't a dream and yes I own a mustang and it looks that cool to me. (people who can buy 4 cars don't see them like that they just are collectibles).  The excitement when I can afford new strings on my guitar and how I love the way they feel and sound for those first few days (some people change them once a week just to change them and it is just the normal feel to them).  The blessed relief of breaking down and turning my air conditioning on during the hottest of days and then I wait half an hour for my room to cool down before walking in to feel it. (if you have always had central air you don't know the bliss of that first walk in moment!).
How much do I experience in my life that I love that others take for granted because they can afford it in the first place?  I love my couple vacations I get and when I do go out to eat and all the other little things that others can't because they are a normal part of their lives.
So in a way, I experience more wonder and special times in my life because the every day things in others lives become my high points.  And it is not like I am doing without.  I just have less.
I start to feel sorry for some of my friends that make so much money they can do what they want when they want and they always go out and buy new things or own more things.  Are they trying to buy happiness?  I don't think that is possible a lot of the time and all you end up with is stuff.  Stuff that clutters your house and makes you need to have garage sales or to throw it out.  And it doesn't bring you happiness.  A gun, a boat, a suburban, a camper, and so many other things my friends have purchased recently.  I am happy for them.  I don't wish they hadn't gotten them.  And I don't reprimand them for buying things because I like to buy things too.  But my reality doesn't have them in that and I am going to try and treat my reality like a fine wine from now on.  Savoring My life the way it is and enjoying My ways in the world.
More later I am sure; I realize Donald Miller can get me to think deep thoughts like no other author~