All my life I have been a loner. I have never felt like I truly fit in anywhere with any groups I am a part of or anything I do. I realize this is partly my fault because how we perceive our lives is exactly how they turn out to be. (If that is confusing basically if you see yourself as a loner then you are going to make yourself one because we make ourselves what we see ourselves as).
In being a loner I have also made myself a chameleon. I work on blending in and I can get along with most groups I am a part of. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like a loner.
All my life I have lived this fine line and done my best chameleon impression. I have done the hair style thing or the clothes thing, or the interests thing, or the whatever thing that allows me to feel like I can fit in well enough with a group to hold my own and to feel less lonely on the nights that I want to feel the presence of my fellow human beings. But still it is all just a charade as I wander through life.
Lately I have more and more felt like swimming upstream. By this I mean I don't want to go with the flow as much as I used to even though I am generally a fairly laid back person when it comes to interests and activities.
I know what I like and I know what I want to do and if that means I walk my own path that is becoming more and more acceptable in my life.
I don't know if that is because I am just becoming more stubborn or if I have stopped caring as much about what society thinks about me........
I guess it doesn't matter either way in the long run.
Doing my usual reading and thinking these late nights I have found more and more that there is only one being that I care about their opinion. That is God.
I try to make myself charming or funny or handsome or many other things in order to try and attract a wife (and yes I would really really like a wife and I would give up softball for the right woman and those of you who know me well enough know exactly what I just said) and I also want to be friends with everyone. But what if I look at those people I want to be friends with or the people I want to attract and I find myself less than enamored with them as people?
That is kind of what has been happening lately.
I value friendships; I really do. The friends I have I would do so much for and I hope they know that. The ones that stand by me at all times I would give my very being to help them in their time of need. I love them and I do my best to let them know that as much as I can.
But the ones I am trying to impress; why am I trying so hard when I am not even sure I want them to be attracted to me when I stop and look at them?
Why am I being a chameleon when I would rather just be myself and if they don't like me we will be almost no different than we are now which is we say hi cordially when we see each other on the street?
Rather than go with the flow and not be myself I think I would rather start to swim upstream a little here and just be myself. If that means I have only a few friends but they are good ones I really am no worse off than I am now.
I am through trying to impress people if it means not being me. I just want to be myself and be happy with myself and God will love me for that person because I know that person wants to be right with God. As for the rest of the people out there; I am always willing to be friends but I don't need to impress any of you if I am acting in a way that is not me.