I was sitting outside this afternoon reading. I love doing it if I can stay warm enough. I wrap myself up in a blanket and put on multiple layers and read a book. I sometimes take my pipe out with me that my friend Nate gave me for a gift, and sometimes not. I would take my grandpa's pipe out with me if I had it sometimes but I don't have it; I just know my mom said he used to have one.
Today while I was reading it started to snow. It was really kind of pretty out actually with a sun and some snow and I sitting out there with a blanket over my legs and my heavy jacket on.
I had some snowflakes land on me and just stay there, it wasn't warm enough to have them melt right away and I was struck by them and how different they are.
If you asked me before this, I already knew that all snowflakes are different. You learn that way back in middle school science or something and you also learn it in church or from your parents or somewhere else; they talk about how they are all different and special and so are we.
One of the things that my ex wanted from me was a mission statement, or a statement of faith, or something along that lines and I always felt super guilty and judged because I couldn't really give one the way she wanted. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it was that I couldn't. Mainly because I feel like somewhere along the way I didn't learn it, or perhaps I didn't have one because I wasn't a good enough christian, or a strong enough one, or perhaps because I wasn't smart enough for one. It doesn't help that my life hasn't been this lightbulb moment of christian faith and coming to Jesus like I hear so many other people talk about. For me it has been more like a winding path with a series of hills and valleys and I have not only gone up and down and around, but I have sometimes tripped and fallen right off the path and wandered helplessly until coming upon the road again. (I think that I have always known this and that is part of the reason of my tattoo on my arm)
Tonight though I was really hit with a message in those tiny frozen drops of water gathering on my jacket.
It is ok that I don't have a statement of faith or anything right now and it is ok that it might take a while for me to build one. Our faith and our christianity is a snowflake in life.
My path of my spirituality is unique and unlike anyone else's and theirs is the same. Just like that snowflake my path and my faith and my road is unique and will never be like another person's. It was a huge relief to know that it was ok that my life wasn't like my ex's, or my dad's, or my friend's, or anyone else's. It is more important that I know that it is going to be different but that doesn't make it any less beautiful than a different "snowflake" of faith.
It is ok that I didn't have that "eureka" moment in my faith and that I have been traveling a long and twisty road because I know that God is looking out for me and when I stumble off the path that He is going to help me find it again eventually.
It is ok that I have had my spirit renewed again and again and that I am human and fallible and that things haven't always been great for me. I am new because God helps make me new when I ask for it and even if that person is flawed and can sin, God doesn't care because He loves me, forgives me, and offers me grace when I need it most.
It was a big day for me because I felt close to God in a way that I haven't for a while now, not since Sara called it quits and my dad took a turn for the worse and I felt like God wasn't right there with me and telling me that the things that I hoped were all going to work themselves out. It was a big day.
It is a new day and I am going to keep working on my snowflake of my path of faith and I don't have to worry about it being "acceptable" in the eyes of others.
