Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Time to Ramble

I am out of grad school, I have a job, I have an income.  I don't have money because I am just out of grad school but I am not living making debt constantly (only semi-constantly).  Now I find myself in a pattern and that pattern consists of not a lot of outside stuff as I try and save money and pay bills.  But that is ok in a way.  But I do think about teaching and conducting and the last couple years and wondering if it was all worth it.  I can't say whether it was or not yet.  I know I made some friends and connections, I got a healthy dose of college and I know why I am too old for it now and I can't go back anymore.  But I don't know much else sometimes.  I feel like I am better at score study and preparing scores but I don't necessarily feel like a better teacher all the time.  I know I am more aware of my hands and how I am conducting but I sometimes fall into bad habits still.  But most of all I still don't know whether I am supposed to be a teacher for the rest of my life.   I still wonder what else I might be doing that isn't keeping me up late or waking me up in the middle of the night thinking about way too many things.  But that is ok.  I think that we all go through that sometimes.  I think that only if you care a lot about the people you work with or making a difference in the world is when you find yourself up too late or too early thinking about work.  And in a way that is ok with me.  Perhaps if there were more people that were concerned about the influence they are having on other people the world might be a little better place.  I do worry about the attitudes of some people but I really should worry about my own.  I really don't need to become the ego-maniac that the stereotypical trumpet player is supposed to be.  I should keep judging myself and not others.  I might try and post here a little more often but that is fine with me.  Perhaps getting this all out will lead me down some path of enlightenment.  Maybe not but either way I type and it leaves the brain (at least for a little bit)

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