no money and Searching for God Knows What and Reality is like fine wine.

The last few days, few weeks lately I have been opining to various friends of mine how I really disklike not having money.  I sit there and complain about how I wish I had the money to go out and enjoy better food, or a chance to travel or go on vacation, or do the things in life my other friends do.
First, I know that part of this is my fault.  Well, most of it.  I was the one who ran up the credit card bills so I don't have a lot of credit right now.  I know some of it wasn't my fault per se in that I didn't know I was going to have hospital bills up the you know what or that my computer would die on me right before my last year of college when I was going to need it most and then had to purchase a new one on credit so all those nifty papers I had to write and all those lesson plans I had to print out could be done.  But some of those late night pizzas and trips to Blue Bricks or BWs with my friends didn't have to happen either.  Or I could have had water instead of beer or even pop.  But I did because I was young and foolish and that is that.  That being said I should have been an engineer like Josh or a lawyer like Ben and I would be making much more money than I am as a teacher but once again I chose my path.  This time I have no regrets because I do love teaching and I love music and I don't mind being a servant to others because I feel that helping people become wholesome people is more important than having a mustang and a latptop and a couple guitars.....wait, I guess I got those anyways :D.
So back to the original story.
I have bemoaning the fact that I have no money lately to some friends and I am sure they are getting sick of it. I have wondered why I couldn't just win the lottery (I don't really play it is just a dream) or have some random prize sent to me for being the 1 billionth person to walk into Shopko or something.  Actually, I don't need that much money that I am one of those rich people even (is what I tell my friends).  I just want enough that my credit cards are at 0 and I can take the hard earned money that I make every pay check and save some and find a place to live with a garage and have cable tv so I can watch the Twins instead of following them online.  Then I would save and I could do my vacations and I could go out to eat once a week to a restaurant that doesn't have greasy floors and the word "fast" attached to their food.
So I am reading Donald Miller again.  He really is my favorite author in many ways.  If you haven't read his books I highly recommend them.  The one I started is called "Searching for God Knows What".  I have read "Blue Like Jazz" dozens of times and I have given a couple of my own copies away (and yes I had to buy new ones for myself and yes they went on those credit cards again but I don't regret it).
Quote from Chapter 1 which I started last night when I was feeling a little hermit-like and tired.  "But the facts of reality stink," I told him. "Reality is like a fine wine," he said to me.  "It will not appeal to children."
Once again God is so wonderful because He took something that was on my mind and showed me something that made me think. And He even gave me the brains to allow me to think!
I was so struck by those words I read them right before I turned out the light last night and when I woke up this morning I read them again right away.
I started thinking of how I could take my reality and start treating it like fine wine rather than a lousy beer I was just drinking to be a good guest.  How I could savor it.  How could I treat it like it was something special?
I started to think of all those people that have whatever they want because they have money.  I started to even think of those stereotypical snob kids from movies when you see them and how bratty they are.  And I realized that reality is like a fine wine.  And it won't appeal to children.  Donald Miller was right.  As kids we want the dream, the happily ever after.  We want everything handed to us on a platter.  We want the opportunity to but it all.  And our parents even teach us that is ok to want that. (not a knock on parents, I know they want the best for their kids as I would want the best for mine too.)
I sit this morning and think of my reality and how it is special that not everyone can experience it in the same way I do.  How it is special when I get to have steak or lobster or other seafood and how I savor it and it is special in my mind.  (people who can have it whenever they want just see it as food).  The fact that I still catch myself staring at my car and mentally pinching myself that it isn't a dream and yes I own a mustang and it looks that cool to me. (people who can buy 4 cars don't see them like that they just are collectibles).  The excitement when I can afford new strings on my guitar and how I love the way they feel and sound for those first few days (some people change them once a week just to change them and it is just the normal feel to them).  The blessed relief of breaking down and turning my air conditioning on during the hottest of days and then I wait half an hour for my room to cool down before walking in to feel it. (if you have always had central air you don't know the bliss of that first walk in moment!).
How much do I experience in my life that I love that others take for granted because they can afford it in the first place?  I love my couple vacations I get and when I do go out to eat and all the other little things that others can't because they are a normal part of their lives.
So in a way, I experience more wonder and special times in my life because the every day things in others lives become my high points.  And it is not like I am doing without.  I just have less.
I start to feel sorry for some of my friends that make so much money they can do what they want when they want and they always go out and buy new things or own more things.  Are they trying to buy happiness?  I don't think that is possible a lot of the time and all you end up with is stuff.  Stuff that clutters your house and makes you need to have garage sales or to throw it out.  And it doesn't bring you happiness.  A gun, a boat, a suburban, a camper, and so many other things my friends have purchased recently.  I am happy for them.  I don't wish they hadn't gotten them.  And I don't reprimand them for buying things because I like to buy things too.  But my reality doesn't have them in that and I am going to try and treat my reality like a fine wine from now on.  Savoring My life the way it is and enjoying My ways in the world.
More later I am sure; I realize Donald Miller can get me to think deep thoughts like no other author~

can't we all just get along?

It isn't even 2012 and we are already in full swing into politics.  We see it everywhere.  On tv, in the newspaper, on the radio, etc.  And I find it sad that quite a few of them seem to take great relish in bashing each other.
I have friends that are straight, I have friends that are homosexual, and I have friends that are bisexual.  I have friends that are catholic, protestant, mormon, jewish, muslim, atheist, buddhist, agnostic, and even wiccan.  I have friends that are vegans, vegetarians, omnivores (it feels like literally because they will stuff anything into their mouths lol), and almost carnivores because they pretty much eat meat and not much else.  And I have friends that are liberal, conservative, tea party, republican, democrat, independent, green party, and a mix of 2 or more.
Everyone has their values, everyone has their opinions.  If you value something different than me I respect the fact that you value something different than me.  If you believe that your way is best that is up to you.  But why must we insist on bashing those that don't agree with us?  Why do we feel we have to spit on the ones we want to blame on our problems?  p.s. - I think that in politics especially there isn't a "right" side and the people that always have to blame the other wing on every problem no matter what need to take a look at how both sides have messed up but that is a completely other post.
Wouldn't it be better to get along and try and do what is best for the country rather than continually play the blame game?  How are people of different values sniping at each other going to make this country a better place to live?  Wouldn't it be better to stop the fighting and try and do what is right even if that means you have to accept some blame yourself and be a little humble about it?  Then perhaps we could get down to what we need to do to help our country in this time of not so great economy.
Please?

cheater sometimes prosper?

If you haven't heard lately, there has been a news story about a kid that made a crazy hockey shot to win $50,000.  If you already know the story feel free to jump to the next paragraph right now.  If you don't what happened is this.  This insurance company has a contest/raffle at a charity hockey game that they offer $50,000 to a kid if they can shoot a hockey puck from center ice and put it through a hole that is literally only 1/2 inch larger than the puck.  They draw this kid's name (Nick Smith).  He makes it and wins the money!  Only it wasn't him.  It was his twin brother.  Nick went home so Nate took the shot.  The next day the dad comes clean that he sent the twin up there and he returns the money.  There is a debate on if he did this of his own free will or if he came clean because some people in this town knew it was the wrong kid and were going to spill the beans anyways if he didn't.
The thing is that now there is controversy that the insurance company should?/will?/might need to?/might want to? pay the kid anyways for making the shot.
While I am not denying the shot was fantastic (you can find it by googling it if you haven't seen it) I don't like where this is going.  I don't mind if the kid gets some kudos for the shot; it was fun and he did a good job.
But are we teaching everyone that if you cheat and win money that you should be able to keep the money?
What are we teaching our kids?  If the dad truly did return the money on his own you could say good job to him but what in the world was he cheating for in the first place?  Didn't he just show his kid that if you find a chance to win money you should go for it even if you aren't being honest?  And if you win that money you should take it and run and hopefully you return it later because your conscience is bothering you?  And then since you were so "honest" by returning it that it is right that the money should be given to you anyways?
How in the world did this ever become a debate?  Why are we teaching our kids that this is in any way ok?
Do we really want to go down this road?  Have we already gone down this road by doing this?
I am disturbed that our society holds honesty and integrity in such low esteem that this has ever become an issue.  We should be teaching our children and neighbors to do what is right and what is honest the first time, not as a secondary consideration.
Perhaps this is a big reason why the world is in the shape it is today; perhaps this is what has driven the world to be in the shape it is today.  While there are good people out there, we have a few too many of this type of thing going on.  We should really get back to honor and integrity and honesty before we are the end of ourselves as people.

saying goodbye

I have felt very different these last few weeks and I haven't been able to figure out what it is.  I haven't felt I have been connecting with anyone or much of anything and I hate feeling like this.  It is like there is a big hole in my heart and soul and I don't know how to fill it.
As I sit here tonight I reflect and think about the things that make me feel whole.  It was a good day today.  I got to see friends that I haven't gotten to see a lot lately and we had a ton of fun.  It went fast as it always does when you find yourself in good company doing things you love and there lies the rub of what I have been feeling lately.
As most of my friends know I blew out both knees in the championship game of the softball tournament this year.  I have been limping around for quite a while now and I know that my knees aren't getting better.  While this isn't the first time I have injured a knee it is the first time I have blown out both at the same time.
I look back at the moment it happened with pride because I stuck with it and I gave everything I could to help my team.  I never gave up and I always gave everything I had for them.  Getting carried off the field after diving the the base to be safe knowing I had done in both knees wasn't a bad way to go.  While I feel sorry for those that had to carry me off I am glad I  left it all on the field.
I think the loneliness I have felt here is knowing I have no fall softball league to look forward to and possibly next summer as well.
Unlike times before when I hurt a knee and was able to support myself with the other while it healed I have no recourse this time but to limp around equally on both knowing that neither is getting any rest.  And with school coming up next week I will not get any rest there either for them.
I also have to face the fact that they aren't healing.  That is difficult for me to say but I can write it here and say it again.  My knees aren't healing this time.  Neither one.  They feel just as bad as they did when they went out.
How do you say goodbye to your love?  It feels to me that very few people understand the depth of my soul that is carried by playing a game I truly love.  A game that I would play every day for the rest of my life and I would be happy doing it.  I have friends that love the game but they love other stuff too.
Softball has been the thing in my life so long that I don't even worry about the other stuff as much anymore.  It has become that much a part of me.
How do I say goodbye and how do I know if this is the time to say goodbye?
All the elements are in place.  My body is wrecked.  If I play next year I need new batting gloves and new spikes.  I know people that would buy my bats.  And I have the opportunity to help coach softball next year which would interfere if I play.
How do you say goodbye?
Is it time to say goodbye?
My friends in Mankato remind me I am getting old.  They remind me that the healing time is going to be longer.  That to play the game nightly will become a harder thing to do.  It was hard 3 years ago when I really started having serious knee problems.  They can joke all they want but taking tons of pain meds before every game to get through it without worrying about it has probably worn on my body as well.
Is it time to say goodbye?
How do you say goodbye?

lack of consideration

I was driving along today and here comes an ambulance up behind me with the lights on.  I do what I am supposed to do and I swing over to the side of the road to let him go through.  While it isn't the funnest thing to do it is considerate and also the law.  The main reason it isn't fun to do is that I didn't have a lot of room to pull over and they have to bumps on the side of the road to warn you if you are falling asleep and running yourself into the ditch.  (I don't know what those bumps are called but I am sure you all know what I am talking about.  They make you feel like you are killing the tires of your car with every rotation).
Well up ahead as I start to pull back onto the road I see a car coming from the opposite way and wow, he doesn't pull over at all.  He slows down just a tiny bit (it looks like) and kind of drives toward the outside line but he definitely never stops and he isn't even over the yellow line.
It really struck me just then that we have a huge lack of consideration for certain things when they "disrupt" our lives and that is really sad.  I can think of 3 or 4 times in the last year alone that I have seen something like this happen for either a firetruck or an ambulance.
These people are not speeding down the highway for fun or because it is a thrill; they are doing their best to serve us by risking their own lives and well-being in order to save others.  You can make this argument for the armed forces as well although it has been said many times over and while I feel it is very justified I don't need to rant about something that you can see once a week on a facebook post, a editorial, or on tv.
I realize that there are times when you don't see the emergency vehicle coming; I will admit that I didn't catch on to the fact that there was an ambulance coming up behind me until the last 100 yards or so and I figured it out because I saw some cars pulling over and as I drove by them I checked them in my rear view mirror.  But as soon as I saw those flashing lights I hit the side of the road as fast as I could safely do.  But this car was coming toward the ambulance.  That means that he could see him coming right at him and he still did nothing.  (Unless of course he wasn't watching forward and then I don't want to think of what might happen.)
So the ambulance slows down as it passes this guy and when you are going 90+ and trying to weave in and out of traffic I am sure that isn't the safest of things to do even on a sunny dry day like today.  Meanwhile I am sure whoever is in the back of that thing isn't feeling well and every swerve is probably making it harder for the medics in the back to do their job too.
Have we ever stopped to think of things like this in our every day lives or do we continually go on our way "blissfully" unaware of what we might be doing to others?  Worst case scenario the person dies in the back of that ambulance because of the swerving and the lack of speed they are able to make to the hospital.  Scary thought - what if the person that didn't pull over knows and loves the person in the back of that ambulance?  They just helped kill someone they care for.
Best case scenario you still gave the driver of the ambulance a mild heart attack because they are trying their best to get to the hospital while not crashing and driving at speeds that allow for insta-injury if something like a deer runs into the road.
The same could be said for fire engines.  I see people all the time not pull over for fire engines yet these guys are in a huge (and I mean huge) vehicle trying to swing in and out of traffic and around corners meant for 15 mph not 50 while doing their best to save and rescue their fellow human beings and all the things that we hold dear to ourselves in possessions.  Yet people don't feel they need to get out of the way.  You might feel a little different if you realize later that they were rushing to your home to rescue your stuff wouldn't you?
It seems to me that while most people are considerate that there are still some out there that need to get a clue.  Since when did we become so self-centered that we have no consideration for things like this?  A little consideration can go a long way in helping things in the world and we want to be considerate now because you never know when you might be counting on the consideration of others to help you along in life.

Street Lawyer

I love John Grisham books.  I just read one I hadn't before called "The Street Lawyer".  I am going to buy it I loved it so much.  It really spoke to me at a time when I was thinking a lot about the topic of it but was unable to articulate it.
The Street Lawyer (I don't want to spoil it for you but want to give a general idea) is a novel about a young lawyer on a fast track to partnership in a major law firm.  He is involved in a hostage situation and his life is forever changed.  He quits the big firm, walking away from millions of dollars and all aspects of his old life to become a poverty lawyer, or someone who works as a pro bono (free of charge) lawyer for the homeless.  It is an amazing story of someone who realizes that there is more out there than grabbing as much money as you can and thinking that society seems to somehow benefit from you making as much as you can.  (These aren't actually my words, they are in the book but it is so fitting and accurate of how we sometimes think!)
I know that us teachers don't go into our profession for money, we all say it and it is very true.  After all, us teachers under 40 are never going to make a huge sum and most of us will probably stay under 40,000 a year for the rest of our lives.  I know that is a lot or a little depending on who you are but considering that we all have to go to college for at least 4 years to be a teacher as well as every 5 years needing to get licensure renewal and continuing education hours it really isn't like we are raking in the big dough.  We aren't engineers or doctors or lawyers and we would never see the 80,000 that they do (or more).
You know, the more I look at my life and the more I think about what I just read in the book, I realize that I don't mind scraping by the rest of my life in some ways.  I mean, I wouldn't mind a bit more money.  It would be nice to not be in so much debt and to constantly live paycheck to paycheck and not be able to go out with friends as much as I would like.  But more important than that is coming home to my apartment each day (and I don't forsee a day in the near future that I am not renting) knowing that I am doing what I can to make society better.  To help people and to think of more than how much money I can pull in.  I will never be able to afford nice vacations, or a boat, or anything like that but you know what?  That is ok.  I am serving mankind and I think that is more important than making money.
I can relate to the main character in the story in many ways.  In many ways, I want to relate to him even more.  He made a difference and he walked away from money but washed his soul clean with every day he went in to work.  It must be nice to be so clean.
It would be nice if more people out there considered things like this on a regular basis.  Maybe we would have less problems in the world if we did.

We are giving millions to who?!?!?

I read an article today that said that another pro-football player got in trouble with the law.  Something about how without football he had nothing better to do and he ended up getting arrested.  He is number 10 this offseason.  Wait, what?!?
These guys are asking for millions of dollars and complaining about it.  I realize that everyone wants money and I am not going to say no to a million dollars if someone offers me it but that is 10 people getting arrested in a matter of a couple months while they are asking for a lot of money.  Do we really want to give that much money to people like this?  Wouldn't it be better to use that money for the good of mankind rather than people who are so bored only a couple months after the season is over that they are getting arrested left and right?
With or without a million dollars, I somehow doubt that most friends of mine would manage to have this happen to them in the same sort of circumstances.  Is this a sign of how enabled we have made these people?  Perhaps this isn't the best thing.  And it certainly isn't people I want as role models for my kids!