Saturday, August 13, 2011

saying goodbye

I have felt very different these last few weeks and I haven't been able to figure out what it is.  I haven't felt I have been connecting with anyone or much of anything and I hate feeling like this.  It is like there is a big hole in my heart and soul and I don't know how to fill it.
As I sit here tonight I reflect and think about the things that make me feel whole.  It was a good day today.  I got to see friends that I haven't gotten to see a lot lately and we had a ton of fun.  It went fast as it always does when you find yourself in good company doing things you love and there lies the rub of what I have been feeling lately.
As most of my friends know I blew out both knees in the championship game of the softball tournament this year.  I have been limping around for quite a while now and I know that my knees aren't getting better.  While this isn't the first time I have injured a knee it is the first time I have blown out both at the same time.
I look back at the moment it happened with pride because I stuck with it and I gave everything I could to help my team.  I never gave up and I always gave everything I had for them.  Getting carried off the field after diving the the base to be safe knowing I had done in both knees wasn't a bad way to go.  While I feel sorry for those that had to carry me off I am glad I  left it all on the field.
I think the loneliness I have felt here is knowing I have no fall softball league to look forward to and possibly next summer as well.
Unlike times before when I hurt a knee and was able to support myself with the other while it healed I have no recourse this time but to limp around equally on both knowing that neither is getting any rest.  And with school coming up next week I will not get any rest there either for them.
I also have to face the fact that they aren't healing.  That is difficult for me to say but I can write it here and say it again.  My knees aren't healing this time.  Neither one.  They feel just as bad as they did when they went out.
How do you say goodbye to your love?  It feels to me that very few people understand the depth of my soul that is carried by playing a game I truly love.  A game that I would play every day for the rest of my life and I would be happy doing it.  I have friends that love the game but they love other stuff too.
Softball has been the thing in my life so long that I don't even worry about the other stuff as much anymore.  It has become that much a part of me.
How do I say goodbye and how do I know if this is the time to say goodbye?
All the elements are in place.  My body is wrecked.  If I play next year I need new batting gloves and new spikes.  I know people that would buy my bats.  And I have the opportunity to help coach softball next year which would interfere if I play.
How do you say goodbye?
Is it time to say goodbye?
My friends in Mankato remind me I am getting old.  They remind me that the healing time is going to be longer.  That to play the game nightly will become a harder thing to do.  It was hard 3 years ago when I really started having serious knee problems.  They can joke all they want but taking tons of pain meds before every game to get through it without worrying about it has probably worn on my body as well.
Is it time to say goodbye?
How do you say goodbye?

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